***** I’ve been debating on posting this for a few weeks now and I decided…… It Is What It Is. I guess what swayed me was two people who I’ve gotten to know over the past few months that suffer just like I do. *****
It’s been awhile since I posted something new and this is a bit of a weird and touchy subject for me….. Mental Health.
So in this day and age we are living in a time that I feel doctors are too quick to diagnose you with an issue and write you a prescription, so for my whole adult life I’ve tried hard to stay away from doctors (and when I say doctors what I really mean are psychologists and psychiatrists). But with me going to school I felt the need to address my anxiety/A.D.D (No longer A.D.H.D when you’re an adult because you lose the hyperactivity. That doctor has never seen my leg bounce when I’m sitting in a seat) issues so I went to the school doctor and explained my story. How I was diagnosed at six or seven years with A.D.H.D and about how as a teen I was also diagnosed with Anxiety with bouts of depression. He asked me a few more questions, had me fill out a questionnaire and out I walked with a prescription for Adderall (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adderall).
The first week maybe week and a half I was out of my skin. The only way I can describe it is I had felt like I had been up all night drinking and doing some sort of drug (i.e. acid, mushrooms or coke), that I tried to go to sleep at about four in the morning, tossed and turned for about three hours and then got up and went about my day.
But after that week, week and a half I felt I was doing a lot better. I was retaining more of what the professors/chefs were saying. I was retaining more of what I was reading from the text. I felt more self-assured/confident. I basically felt like a Honey Badger. I didn’t care what anyone thought or said I had a goal and I was going to achieve that goal. Sure I made mistakes but for the most part I’d brush them off and on to the next one. And then came this…..
One Sunday I realized I only had three pills left from my script but I though meh no worries I have class tomorrow I’ll call and go in (to see the doctor at the school) then. So I took two (I’m supposed to take two a day) and I saved one for the next day (Monday). On Monday I took my remaining pill and went to school. When I got to school I called and asked to make an appointment. They said the earliest appointment was Thursday and that there was nothing that could be done…..
I woke up Tuesday and all I could think about as soon as I opened my eyes was the fact that I didn’t have any of my prescription left and immediately freaked out. I Called the school clinic again and asked again if I could get an earlier appointment and again they said no they were booked solid but took my number down in case there was a cancellation. I had worked myself up so bad I was shaking and couldn’t go into to school because I felt so weird awkward and unsure of everything. Wednesday same feeling but no school so that was a bonus but then again I had something new on my mind. Our money/savings is gone and we’re starting to go into the red. I know I should have a part-time job and go to school but we decided as long as we could afford it (because of my prior issues with school) that I would concentrate on just school but we can no longer afford it so now I’m thinking of places to try to get a part-time job knowing that it will most likely affect my grades immensely.
I then tried to study for a test that was coming up the next day in theory. I tried to read but was consistently getting distracted and I found I wasn’t retaining any of it. But I did my best to read all the source material.
That Thursday came. I wasn’t going to go to my first class of the day because I knew I wasn’t ready for the test but I went and was right. I shouldn’t have gone. I got 43% on the test. That is the worst mark I’ve got since I decided to return to school (includes adult high school). I was so disappointed. I then went to the appointment which was at 12:45 which was perfect cause our next class was at 1:30. I could get my script, run across the street, fill the script, run back, make it just in time to change and go to class.
It didn’t work out that way. The doctor was running behind and I didn’t make it into to see her until 1:15 and again from sitting there, thinking about the test, about class and about how I was going to at least have to find a part-time job I had worked myself up. I was finally called in to see the doctor. She took my blood pressure and said well that’s high we’ll have to try that again at the end. We spoke and she thought maybe it would be best if I had a real assessment from a Psychiatrist. She took my blood pressure and it was back to normal. Then she wrote my script and said I should be expecting a call regarding my appointment with a psychiatrist.
I was already twenty minutes late for class so I went and spoke to the professor about my issue and told him I couldn’t make class. He assured me he understood and told me to deal with what I had to deal with and that he would see me the next Tuesday.
I then left the school and made a b-line for the Shoppers Drug Mart. I filled my script went home and relaxed for the rest of the evening. The next morning I was back on my prescription and now my anxiety is back to a manageable level. But my question is this, do I really need those meds? Yes my first few weeks of school I was nervous and shaky but I assume that happens to most people any time they are doing something new. I’ve dealt with my issues for years without meds and have been……… somewhat fine. What I mean by that is I was never really very successful at anything I did in life, had I been on the meds when working on the racetrack would I have been better at my job? Would I have cared more? I mean I cared but I got disheartened by everything so quick…. I could have cared more. Would I have drunk less? Less drugs? Had I been on them at The Beer Store would I have done better there? Kept my lips shut? Got on full-time without any of the problems that held me back? Was my me running out of meds really an issue or did I just work myself up?
Enough dwelling on the past. I keep moving forward. I keep doing better. I have a fiancé, daughter, family and friends who love and support me and that is truly all I need…… Well almost all I need. I hope I don’t forget to refill my meds again.